I didn't realize how bad my situation was until I found myself contemplating suicide on the day I was evicted from my basement suite.
I don't know how I missed the signs. My habit for many years was to find a job and work until I would begin to lose interest. I would phone in sick when I was not sick and eventually I would just quit going without giving a reason. I would "hibernate," not contacting friends or family or bothering to answer the phone. This then resulted in paying rent and other bills late, or not at all.
When I was hibernating I wouldn't clean the house. I had pots and pans rusting in the sink, filthy floors, and eventually it got to the point I would fail to even take my dog out to go to the bathroom.
In a matter of two months I had lost another job, my dog passed away, and my truck was impounded due to unpaid fines and insurance. I hadn't paid rent in three months and the place was a disaster. I came home one day to find a notice on the door. I didn't even take it down. I knew what it was. I was being evicted.
I didn't even start packing until the day when I was supposed to leave. It was then I found a lot of old pills and I was contemplating taking them all and then arranging to meet my landlord so he would find me and the joke would be on him. That was how delusional my thinking had become.
I buried those pills at the bottom of a garbage pail and called a friend to help me pack. I moved in with my parents. That night I finally told someone (my dad) what I had been going through. He took it very well. We prayed. Afterwards I sat on the couch thinking about what all had happened that day and I just shook. I shook for a long time.
That was six years ago. Now I am working with an amazing agency that understands my situation. My struggles with depression and anxiety are way less than before. I am able to use what I have been through to connect with my clients and I have become pro-active in mental health issues in the workplace.
I have been to a few therapists. I usually don't last too long with them. I resist being diagnosed and I don't take medication. My family has become my main support. I try to eat right, sleep right and exercise.
I take time off work when I need to and I snuggle my cat. I self medicate with pizza and wings. Sometimes it's all I can do to get to work, however once I am there things are better. I will be employed full time for two years in the middle of September. This is a huge victory for me.
I thank my family, Jesus, my agency, and a couple of really good friends for my success.
Scotty (Red Deer)