You may hate reading this but I promise.. It get unbearable, then it gets worse, but eventually it slowly starts to get better. Then finally there comes a day when you catch yourself smiling, and you realize you are truly happy. That day is worth fighting for. These past few years is definitely not how I pictured my life to be; when things got hard I decided to make one of the biggest mistakes of my entire life. It’s a common saying “Everyone has something that takes the pain away.” Mine just happened to be more pain, self-inflicted pain to be specific. Maybe it was the shock, or the feeling of control, or even the blood. Whatever it was, it worked enough to become my main coping mechanism. I was ashamed. I already hated myself enough, and this made me hate myself even more; but I couldn’t stop. People don’t understand such thing, they run from it. So I ran with them, I hid it from everyone including myself.
Then things turned for the worse, thoughts consumed my mind and I could not escape. On April 12, 2012 I was brought to the IWK where I would soon be admitted to 4 South for the next month. I left the ward and went home but things were no better, I felt like I was a mirror that had been smashed to pieces and no matter how hard anyone tried they could never pick up all the pieces and make me okay again. I was hopeless. Then July 28, I had planned to take my own life. It was 1am, I remembering crying writing my last words on a piece of paper. I was taken to the hospital that night then sent my ambulance to the IWK, where I would again stay for another month. I’ve been in and out of hospitals so many times, I’ve lost count. I slowly started to realize that I am not much different than many others, I started opening up and not being so afraid. I was humiliated by my school facility for not covering my battle wounds, when it became to the point I could no longer go to school without being disciplined and discriminated; I stopped. I missed out on a year of my education because the school would not welcome me. But through all of this I have only became a stronger individual, I've moved on, changed schools and tried to not let it bother me more then it had too.
I have met so many amazing people through my experiences that have changed my life for the better. One person especially, Rehtaeh Parsons, I thank you so much for all that you have helped me with, and I am so glad I got the chance to have you in my life, I wish that day holding you hand saying goodbye, didn't have to be the last, but just know I thank you so much. Battling depression, and self harm for many years there are many things I wish I could go back and not do, but I have faith that some day I will look at myself and I will be proud. I will no longer see the failure, disappointment and pain. I have lost hope so many times, but I am so happy I am still here to this day. I can’t wait to have a future and hopefully help others that have been where I have been. It's scary but we will make it out okay. I’m not fully there, but each day it’s getting better, yes I may fall down sometimes, well actually a lot but I won’t give up. Life is so precious and beautiful you can’t take it for granted. Believe me, it honestly gets better, I say that if you think you’ve hit rock bottom well you can only go up from there. Looking back someday and saying you made it will be worth every struggle, and you’ll be able to get through anything life throws at you. No matter how horrible life may get, remember that it's beautiful and so are you and things will get better.